There are a lot of real groaners in here, so you may want to just skip it.
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
9. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home'” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” Doc says “It’s Not Unusual.”
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Why!? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
14. I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
15. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
18. The potato family is having dinner and their eldest daughter stands and says, “I have an announcement to make. I’m getting married!” The mother says, “what incredible news, dear daughter! To whom?” and the daughter replies, “to someone quite famous, actually–Tom Brokaw!” The mother can’t conceal her disappointment: “but dear, he’s just a common tater!”
19. There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy? The one on the range.
20. Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One turns to the other and says, “it’s getting pretty hot in here!” The other one replies, “holy crap, a talking muffin!”
21. Two flies were sitting on a toilet seat. One flew away. The other got pissed off.
24. Did you hear about the woman who backed into an industrial fan? Disaster!
25. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
26. Three Texas Aggies died by drowning when their pickup truck ran off the road and into a lake last week. They were unable to open the truck bed gate.
27. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.
28. Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.
29. A Neutron walks into a bar. The bartender brings him a beer. The Neutron says, “How much?” The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
30. Gold walks into a bar, silver yells “A! U!”
31. A rancher had three sons, and his most devout wish was that his sons carry on the ranch after his demise. Because of this, he had renamed his ranch “Focus Ranch”. When asked to explain this odd name, he said “That’s where the sun’s rays meet.”
32. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: within each light bulb lies the seeds to its own revolution.
33. Werner Heisenberg is speeding down a highway when he’s pulled over by a patrolman. The officer strolls up and asks “excuse me sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?” “No, but I know *exactly* where I am!”
34. Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? A: What’s wrong with you?! Everybody knows you can’t cross a scalar with a vector!
35. Last week I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he’s fully recovered now.
36. That’s nothing. Did you hear about the guy who was transformed into a belt? He is ok now; it was reversible.
37. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
38. A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and starts to walk out. The bartender asks him if he was planning on paying for it. The duck replied “Just put it on my bill.”
39. Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, want a drink?” To which Descartes indignantly replies “I think not!” and vanishes.
40. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” Then the grasshopper says “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
41. A rope is walking toward a bar and came across two ropes walking out, they told him, “you won’t get a drink, they don’t serve ropes in that bar”. The rope tied his end into a knot and puled apart the ending and went into the bar. The bartender said, “hey are you a rope?” and the rope replied, “I’m afraid not”.
42. A pirate walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “Hey, where did get that?” The parrot responds, “BRAAAK, down at the docks!”
43. Have you heard about that new pirate corn? It’s like a buck an ear.
45. What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino? ‘Elephino.
46. A priest and a minister invite a rabbi to their weekly fishing trip. They realize that they are out of bait, so the priest steps out of the boat, walks across the water, buys some bait on shore, walks back, and they continue fishing. A while later, they get hungry, so the minister steps out, walks across the water to the shore, buys some sandwiches, and walks back. Then, they run out of beer. The priest starts to get out of the boat, but the rabbi insists. “No, no, I’l get it this time,” he says. “If your faith can let you walk across the water, surely mine can.” So the rabbi steps out of the boat and promptly plunges into the water and starts swimming. When he gets halfway out to the shore, the priest asks the minister, “Ya think we should tell ‘im out the stumps?”
47. A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, you know there’s a ship’s wheel sticking out of your pants. The pirate replies, “Yar, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
48. Q: What do you get when you cross a mink and an orangutan? A: A very nice coat, but the sleeves are too long.
49. Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle? A: Killed.
50. Q: Why do engineers confuse Christmas and Halloween? … A: Because dec 25 == oct 31.
51. Ol’ Rock, a good Texas Aggie football player never could seem to graduate. He worked hard, studied hard, but in the end he just couldn’t seem to pass his math classes. Because he was an outstanding guy, his professor finally convinced the university president to let him graduate if he could answer a single math question at half-time next game. Half-time came, and the math professor asked Rock: “What’s 1 + 1?” Rock stood and thought for a minute, then slowly responded with confidence: “It’s two!” And with one voice, the crowd suddenly cried “GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!”