The Nortons

thane November 11th, 2006

I hate pennies. They are a waste of natural resources, a waste of time,
a waste of effort, and (literally) a waste of money. I hold the nickel
in slightly less distain, but if it were not for the penny, I would not
have thought much of it. However, since I have thought much of it, and
I have come up with a plan. Oh yes I have. I’ve got a plan so cunning
you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. This plan comes in
stages, each more dastardly than the last.

Part the First: Pummel the Penny

The US Mint stops production of pennies, and orders the return of all
stock. These are melted down and turned into decorative paperweights
and sold at flea markets around the nation. Pennies will still
circulate, but they will become fewer and fewer.

Part the Second: Nix the Nickel

The same is done for the Nickel, except that they are made into hip
flasks. These two parts will probably require an act of Congress,
directing that all public transactions be rounded to the nearest tenth
dollar.

Part the Third: Down with the Dollar

The dollar bill is much less profitable than the dollar coins. Their
cost to produce per year of circulation is around 10 times that of the
coin. Additionally, they are harder for businesses to count. Get rid
of the stop pressing dollar bills and ramp up the production of dollar
coins. This is the part of the plan that will encounter the most
objections. Or is it?

Part the Fourth: Create Coinage

Why, in the name of all that is holy, do we not have a $5 coin? That
has GOT to change. While we are at it, let’s start minting $2 coins.
This will be the longest part of the plan, since it will take years and
years to come up with a design that people can live with. Feel free to
leave design comments below.

Part the Fifth: Vi veri universum vivus vici

Once we have a $2 and a $5 coin, stop printing the bills. Oh, I can
hear the howling echo back through the ages. SUCK IT UP AND DEAL! This
is for the good of the nation. Give up the bills or the Terrorists win!
Your Grandparents seemed to do just fine with no bill smaller than $10
(equivalent value), and you can too.

P.S. How is it that we live in a nation that can take the ugliest money
in the world, spend millions redesigning it, and make it UGLIER!

• Lazy Bastard